The past few days I’ve been feeling lonely. Even though it’s supposedly, “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”, and don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas; it’s just that I’m not liking my relationship status right now. Sometimes it’s cool to be single. But, when the holidays roll around, being single sucks.
You know that feeling you feel when you buy something on sale that wasn’t the best quality, because you didn’t want to pay full price. Then when get home and it doesn’t work or fit like it was supposed to, you think to yourself–man, I should’ve just spent the extra $20-$40 and got what I wanted. That’s how I feel about life right now. Though I try to live in reality (in the present) and not worry about the past, I often think back and wish that I should’ve tried a little harder in certain relationships, invested a little more time, been a little more optimistic, etc. And, maybe, just maybe, I would be lying next to my wife right now, instead of wondering what could have been.
In my mind I’ve been debating if I should just allow my feelings to control my actions. As I long for female attention, romantic excursions, wet kisses, and to feel the warm embrace of soft thighs, I wonder if I should forsake my convictions and exercise my right to engage in momentary sexual pleasure. All I would have to do is make a few calls, spend a little cash, and maybe tell a few white lies. But, though my body is telling me yes, my integrity and my spirit are both screaming NO!
In my quest for happiness, and in my righteous pursuits for love and family, I have spent many nights much like this one, horny and alone. Sometimes I still question if God will grant me my prayers in a timely fashion, and will my children have the chance to develop a relationship with their grandmother (my mother) like I did. Because I believe one of the things which I value the most about my life, was that I had the chance to develop a relationship with my grandparents. Seeing their life, understanding their legacy, learning wisdom from them.
Nevertheless, I know sex by itself won’t make me happy (though I would enjoy it 🙂 ), a new girlfriend won’t make me happy, or even Christmas gifts. No matter what anyone tells you… always remember, you create your own happiness. It doesn’t matter where you live, how much money you have in the bank, what type of car you drive, who you’re married to… none of that. What matters most is what’s in your heart. True joy comes from God. One of the most attractive qualities of a woman is her smile… anyone with money can make themselves appear glamorous, but a beautiful smile and a optimistic spirit is priceless.