The past few days I’ve been feeling lonely. Even though it’s supposedly, “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”, and don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas; it’s just that I’m not liking my relationship status right now. Sometimes it’s cool to be single. But, when the holidays roll around, being single sucks.

You know that feeling you feel when you buy something on sale that wasn’t the best quality, because you didn’t want to pay full price. Then when get home and it doesn’t work or fit like it was supposed to, you think to yourself–man, I should’ve just spent the extra $20-$40 and got what I wanted. That’s how I feel about life right now. Though I try to live in reality (in the present) and not worry about the past, I often think back and wish that I should’ve tried a little harder in certain relationships, invested a little more time, been a little more optimistic, etc. And, maybe, just maybe, I would be lying next to my wife right now, instead of wondering what could have been.

In my mind I’ve been debating if I should just allow my feelings to control my actions. As I long for female attention, romantic excursions, wet kisses, and to feel the warm embrace of soft thighs, I wonder if I should forsake my convictions and exercise my right to engage in momentary sexual pleasure. All I would have to do is make a few calls, spend a little cash, and maybe tell a few white lies. But, though my body is telling me yes, my integrity and my spirit are both screaming NO!

In my quest for happiness, and in my righteous pursuits for love and family, I have spent many nights much like this one, horny and alone. Sometimes I still question if God will grant me my prayers in a timely fashion, and will my children have the chance to develop a relationship with their grandmother (my mother) like I did. Because I believe one of the things which I value the most about my life, was that I had the chance to develop a relationship with my grandparents. Seeing their life, understanding their legacy, learning wisdom from them.

Nevertheless, I know sex by itself won’t make me happy (though I would enjoy it πŸ™‚ ), a new girlfriend won’t make me happy, or even Christmas gifts. No matter what anyone tells you… always remember, you create your own happiness. It doesn’t matter where you live, how much money you have in the bank, what type of car you drive, who you’re married to… none of that. What matters most is what’s in your heart. True joy comes from God. One of the most attractive qualities of a woman is her smile… anyone with money can make themselves appear glamorous, but a beautiful smile and a optimistic spirit is priceless.

svg4 min read

Jason Perry

I'm a black man with Christian values. A father to my son, a friend to those who desire my friendship, a lover of life and even more...


  • academichustler1975

    December 18, 2016 at 6:37 am

    Beautiful…thank you!

  • neonnairobigal

    December 18, 2016 at 7:42 am

    I stumbled across the interviews that Meagan Good and her husband DeVon Franklin have been doing on their book ‘The Wait’. One of their interviews was with Pastor TourΔ“ of One Church. He has an interesting message on YouTube about soulmates, check it out if you have the time. Its given me hope in this season. God has someone for you. And for me too πŸ™‚

    • jason

      December 18, 2016 at 10:39 am

      That’s great! Yeah I used to attend One Church when I lived in Los Angeles a few years ago.

  • vishal4u

    December 18, 2016 at 8:56 am

    Have faith brother, you will for surely find what you desire for.

  • warmliketheson

    December 19, 2016 at 8:44 am

    I keep coming back to this post…It’s so familiar to how I’m feeling and how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s nice to see someone be completely honest about singleness and the desire to be married. Some are very content in it or either pretend to be. I’ve personally come to the place where you are, I refuse to lie to myself. God already knows anyway lol. In order for God to bless us with a spouse He must first place the desire in us to be married. It’s a good thing and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve also read the book “The Wait” and when I begin to get frustrated I go back to things like that and God’s word to help me reel in my emotions. I haven’t waited this long to slip into some nonsense, gotta be careful lol. But I feel you and I don’t have any advice just wanted to say you’re not alone. Keep smiling, your time will come. ☺

    • jason

      December 19, 2016 at 1:27 pm

      Thank you… I love to smile 😊. Real life, dating and real emotions are topics definitely worth discussing. My next blog is going to be about perception of “what is special to you”.

      • warmliketheson

        December 19, 2016 at 7:27 pm

        You’re welcome Jason. Smiling is good for the soul. πŸ™‚ Looking forward to your next post.

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This is my journal, my journey, and my perspective in life – JP

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