Are We Friends or Lovers?

I’m getting closer to feel better regarding opening up my heart towards being in a relationship. Earlier today, as I was thinking about being in another relationship, I thought to myself.

“Do people my age even use the term girlfriend or boyfriend in today’s society?”

Being a man in my forties, the term “girlfriend“, just doesn’t seem right to call a woman I’m dating. It almost seems immature? I don’t know really. If I were dating someone, if I were to reference her and our relationship, I would probably phrase it like, “Her name is blah, blah, and we’re just dating.

Throughout my life, one of my hardest struggles has been understanding how to communicate my feelings effectively with women I’m attracted to. It’s like I’m always caught in the friend-zone 🙂 when I want something more than just a friend.

The more mature I become, the more I realize that it’s better for me to categorize my relationship with women (I’m attracted to) mentally. Because it helps to increase my ability to manage my expectations of them and better express my feelings. All of which will ultimately make my relationships better regardless of who she is. Because, she will know what I want from her, and I will know what she wants from me.

The best relationships are those which both people are able to meet each others needs.

All women outside my close family & friends, who I’m attracted to, are either a friend or a lover.

I feel it’s more natural or comfortable for women to view me as a friend, even though they may be attracted to me. And, I know a lot of single women who are very attractive. There are even a few of them who I’ve always wanted to date… yet either timing, her distaste for me in that way, or cowardliness to express my feelings to her made it difficult for that loving feeling to be created.

Having a woman as a lover has nothing to do with sex, it’s all about intimacy. When I look at a woman as a lover, it means that our relationship can develop or grow into something deeper. And, physical intimacy is just one dimension of true intimacy. The eyes never lie. When I look into a woman’s eyes, I can see if she is attracted to me and wants to be intimate with me.

When it all comes down to it, friends are sometimes lovers, and lovers are sometimes friends. And, even if I’m dating or in a committed relationship, I really feel like… if we aren’t engaged or married, then what are we? I definitely feel too old to call someone my “girlfriend“.

Growing up, I was too immature to understand that not all women are honest, or have righteous motives. And, I don’t have the patience to be taken advantage of anymore. So, I need clarity first and foremost. When I label a woman as a friend or lover, it defines that relationship. And, when I define the relationship, it decreases the amount of assumptions/confusion in it. Creating better boundaries, expectations, and it allows for real truth, trust and transparency to be expressed over time.

I value love. I invest my heart and my time in things I value. Wisdom tells me not all relationships are meant to last… which is why I only invest in those that have lasted & will last.

svg4 min read

Jason Perry

I'm a black man with Christian values. A father to my son, a friend to those who desire my friendship, a lover of life and even more...


  • missMugah

    May 11, 2020 at 3:11 am

    “When I look into a woman’s eyes, I can see if she is attracted to me and wants to be intimate with me.” This bit got me.I read it and immediately went like,wooow.Beautiful piece.

  • Jason

    May 11, 2020 at 3:35 pm

    Thank you!


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This is my journal, my journey, and my perspective in life – JP

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