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Life is crazy! We can wash our face, pretend to smile, and put on a show so that everything appears to be fine and dandy. Then we walk by friends who cordially ask “How are you?”, and if we feel good enough to answer it’s usually with a quick superficial response of, “I’m great! How are you?”. And just as the quick response was given without giving thought to your true feelings, they probably will respond to your question in a similar way of indifference by ignoring your question altogether as they walk off.

Recently I’ve noticed something different with my feelings. For the last week I’ve been wanting to listen to love songs and R&B more than usual… and I think I know why. I may be Heart Sick. It’s been awhile since I’ve heard a woman’s voice whispering in my ear or felt her smooth touch on my skin. I feel like I need to hear words that express love, lyrics that make me feel loved, that help me to believe in love. It was my ex-girlfriend’s birthday yesterday. I sent her a text and she didn’t even respond. I suppose love songs are my prescription for being heart sick.

On the outside I probably appear to be a healthy happy guy. Smiling as I interact with friends, I always keep my physical appearance up and make myself presentable, and I constantly look to engage in positive meaningful transparent conversations with friends. But, on the inside sometimes I deal with depression, I have to take pills that slow down my brain because I have epilepsy, and many of my desires have gone unmet. Nevertheless, I am blessed. Honestly I have to give God all the glory for my outside appearance. For the joy in my heart and smile on my face, my positive outlook on life, my friends and family, my opportunities, and my pursuit of excellence in most things I do.

I suppose I’m just tired of getting by and living this life alone. Tonight I had an epiphany. Early today a friend I work with told me that she got married in Vegas without a wedding. She was living with a guy for a while… they loved each other and they got married 20 years ago, and they are still married. Now I know people who would not approve of that. But most of the people who wouldn’t approve of it are divorced and unhappy. Why is it that those who have the most problems seem to have all the answers? Anyway, what her life story tells me is that there is no formula to finding real love… it just happens and you know it when you feel it. You know I used to say that I was going to marry a black woman, but now I feel like I need to open up my heart to any woman who has a heart for me. I won’t allow real love to pass me by.

svg4 min read

Jason Perry

I'm a black man with Christian values. A father to my son, a friend to those who desire my friendship, a lover of life and even more...

10 Comments

  • Miranda Rose Vineyard

    August 21, 2015 at 11:03 pm

    http://storylineblog.com/2015/05/20/save-your-relationships/

    This is one of my most favorite articles ever. Now, I realize it’s because the author has some things in common with me. Obviously, the stay-at-home-mom gig, but mostly, the need, desire and reach for intimacy and transparency.

    Thanks for sharing a piece of your heart with us. <3

    What made you feel appreciated today? 🙂

    Reply
    • jason

      August 22, 2015 at 5:01 am

      I’ll definitely read it right now. Thanks for sharing!

      Reply
  • Tikeetha T

    August 27, 2015 at 9:04 am

    We all get that way. Just be open to whatever God has in store for you. Sending you positive and happy thoughts!

    Reply
    • jason

      August 27, 2015 at 11:52 am

      Thanks for that… gotta have faith

      Reply
  • thedimpledone

    August 31, 2015 at 7:06 am

    This sounds like me lately. Listening to love songs and stuff. I miss being in a relationship and all the warm fuzzy feelings it brings *sigh* Guess I just have to wait it out. Great post though 🙂

    Reply
    • jason

      August 31, 2015 at 8:45 pm

      Thanks for your thoughts!
      You know there are a lot of people who would rather the single life… but I’m not one of them.

      Reply
  • beingstaceystokes

    September 7, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    We all have preferences. If you prefer black love, than believe in black love, find it. Don’t so-called “open up” by shutting the door on Us. We get heartsick, but that’s because we love the hardest.

    Reply
    • jason

      September 7, 2015 at 9:01 pm

      You’re right Stacey. I believe that real love is so rare, and it can come from anyone.
      But, I don’t feel like I’m shutting any doors on black love.

      Reply
  • lovekultureworld

    November 13, 2015 at 9:40 am

    I was gonna write a poem on this in August. I was heart sick too..I know the feeling. And I also have come to same conclusion. Love is sooo random! Some of us get it. Some of us don’t. Some of us think we got it then we realize it was a farce!…They say don’t marry a po’boy, but a po’ boy might be rich in spirit. They say don’t marry potential, but you just never know!..I mean..Yeah..it’s so random and real commitment, i see you naked, and I’m gonna stay kinda love…is rare.

    As you can tell, this resonates.

    Reply
    • jason

      November 13, 2015 at 12:40 pm

      Mmmm. You should write the poem! I would love to read it. Your words are better than mine 🙂

      Reply

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This is my journal, my journey, and my perspective in life – JP
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