Recently someone close to me opened their heart on some issues they were having in their marriage. And, honestly after listening to them it made me feel hopeless. And, I’m not someone who accepts that feeling easily, as I always want to see a happy ending to every story. But, I realized that happy endings don’t all look the same to everyone. Just like you can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink… you can do all you want for someone, but you can’t make them happy and you can’t make someone love you. Happiness in a relationship comes from the inside of a person, and everyone has to make the choice and decide to be happy.
When I think about dating, marriage and relationships, I naturally look at people I know and use their examples to construct my perspective on it. Though I see people who are really in love, and they provide me with great examples of being young and married, I also see unhappy hopeless people who are tired of fighting for their relationship. One thing I understand really well is that if you want something to last forever, you have to constantly work on it and fine tune it. A long lasting relationship will naturally go through peaks and valleys; just like life, there will always be good times and bad times. True love will keep you together throughout the journey.
As I learn more about women, relationships, marriage, etc… I am beginning to see 2 main issues which need to be addressed in relationships are communication and unrealistic expectations.
Communication: A woman can tell me, “I love you“… but what does that mean? As our culture is redefining marriage and love, in my opinion it is imperative that I be with a woman who knows my heart and my intentions, and vice versa. So we are speaking the same love language, even if we argue. Plus a person’s words may tell you one thing, but their actions will tell you who they are and what their words mean.
Unrealistic Expectations: I would never expect a cat to bark, or a dog to meow. It’s just not in their nature. A person will tell you who they are (their nature) by what they say and do. And, I think it is unfair to expect someone to change their nature after they’re married. It’s also a little unfair to expect someone to be committed to you, when you aren’t committed to them.
We are often blinded by our own wants and desires. I have seen people so infatuated that they couldn’t see life past that person. It was as if their happiness, joy, outlook on life, was dictated by if that person spoke to them or not. In my 20’s I was very unsure of myself, and it was so hard for me to approach women I was interested in. And it was easier for me to just think of them, or dream of a relationship with them, instead of simply telling them my feelings and opening myself up to rejection. Having matured, I feel a real relationship has to develop in the soil of transparency, honesty, good communication, and not in infatuation or lust.
I was talking with a friend yesterday on how there aren’t a lot of good love songs being written anymore. And, it made me think of how I have not been inspired to write romantic poetry as of late. When you think of a love song that emcompasses your view of a loving committed relationship, what song do you think of? I know I can think of a few songs actually… but that’s because I love music. I could probably list 20+ songs if I sat down to think about it, however the songs that come to mind the quickest are Marry Me (Train), Until (Sting), Nothing Can Come Between Us (Sade) and I’d Die Without You (PM Dawn).
Honestly, I understand that not all relationships last… people will grow apart if they can’t find a reason to be together. In all of my previous dating relationships, at some point in each of them, I really felt loved and we could make it last forever… but, they all ended. Nevertheless, I still listen to those love songs, and I haven’t lost hope in true love. I know that I will find someone I’m attracted to, who is also willing to grow old with me… hopefully sooner than later.