I recently had a few interesting conversations with various women about how dating has been going for them. We all know dating can be so difficult for single professional adults right now. Nevertheless, I believe there is hope if we begin to be honest with ourselves and others while also using wisdom in navigating the dating opportunities that are actually available to us. Because I believe a lot of singles are going about dating the wrong way.
Now, I don’t have all the answers. I simply want to express my feelings on dating and the importance of being honest with ourselves. It’s so important to set realistic expectations when/if you consider beginning a new relationship, especially when the ultimate goal of the relationship involves making a lifetime commitment and having a family.
People have to look in the mirror and acknowledge who they truly are. Every single adult who wants a relationship should first ask the question… “Would I date myself?”
Regardless if you are pursuing a new dating relationship or you are making yourself available to be pursued… if you are thinking of dating, you need to be honest about who you are as a person. Write down what you want/need in life and what you are willing to do in order to get it.
Expressing your genuine feelings and thoughts without the fear of judgment is the very reason why people value therapy. I value therapy. I also think it’s important to have a good social circle, so you don’t need to pay a therapist to listen to you talk about your feelings.
Singles have to address their own feelings before they can address the needs and feelings of others in a relationship. Here are just a few questions I feel singles need to be able to answer.
- What do I want from a relationship?
- Why do I want to date?
- Am I willing to invest my time and energy into a person I just met?
- What does “dating” look like to me?
- What type of people am I attracted to?
- What type of people are attracted to me?
- What makes me happy?
- Do I enjoy serving people I love?
- Am I selfish?
- Am I prideful?
- Can I apologize when I’m wrong?
- Am I emotionally prepared to share my life with someone who can potentially hurt me?
These questions shouldn’t be difficult, as there are no right or wrong answers to a question about your own feelings. It’s your truth.
Despite what anyone says, I personally believe there is someone for everyone. If you want a sex-buddy, there’s someone for you. If you want an entanglement, there’s someone for you. If you’re a single Christian man/woman who wants a committed healthy marriage… there is someone looking for your love and wants to love you.
“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.”Thomas Jefferson, former U.S. president
A Recent Dating Experience
I have met a lot of women in the last few years who live in a fantasy world. It’s why a lot of them are unhappy with life. I can tell by just listening to what they say and seeing how they live.
I recently went on a date with a woman who didn’t smile once… the whole night! She was drinking at the bar when I walked into the restaurant. We rarely if ever talked about anything positive the whole night. The date was filled with deflections, judgments and argumentative discussions. Plus, she didn’t like when I asked her questions. I believe she essentially wanted me to entertain her while she ate. I know it sounds funny, lol… but, this is real life.
I feel because she knew she didn’t look like her pictures on the dating app, she expected me to dismiss her after she saw me in person. I feel she was aware enough to understand what type of women I attract. And, I told her what type of women I’m attracted to and what I wanted from a relationship before we met. Plus, I didn’t go out with her to have a sex-transaction. I feel she immediately felt in her heart she had no chance.
If she was just honest enough to say, “I’m not happy with life. I’m hurting on the inside. I need help. I’m a negative person. I don’t look like the pictures I posted on the dating app. Etc.” I would at least respect her for being transparent. However, I can not respect a woman who is disingenuous and doesn’t value my time and money.
Do You Live in a Fantasy World?
Delusional – “holding false beliefs or judgments about external reality that are held despite incontrovertible evidence to the contrary, typically as a symptom of a mental condition.”
I feel there are a lot of people who exhibit aspects of delusional behavior when it comes to how they make assumptions about people, how they view themselves, and the type of expectations (standards) they place upon themselves and others.
It’s fine to think of yourself as special. As there is something special about every single person on earth. It’s something totally different to believe you deserve special treatment when everything about yourself is average at best.
Just like it is foolish to walk into a restaurant and order food with the expectation that you will not be charged. Especially when each menu item has a price next to it. It is also foolish for any single adult to expect to have a healthy relationship with someone without attempting to meet their needs/wants.
The Truth Is…
If you desire children and a family, marriage is the best option.
7 out of 10 African-American children are raised in a single parent home. Married parents are more likely to be better educated, earn more, live in more stable housing, and have more resources than single parents.
Every single adult has options. Everyone chooses who they want to date, or if they want to date at all.
We set our dating options based upon our preferences. I hear a lot of women say that men don’t want to marry, but statistics show that 34.4 percent of Black men were married in 2021, compared to 28.6 percent of Black women. And, women file for divorce twice more often as men. Additionally, Black women divorce at a higher rate (38.9%) than women of any other race.
The truth is hard. There are a lot of valid fears when dating. It takes courage to step outside your comfort zone. It takes hope to be positive about the unknown. There are times I feel many men and women live in completely different worlds mentally… but we should never be at war with each other. We are meant to love one another.
I still have hope that I will find a special woman on my love journey. Choose wisely as you navigate yours.