I received a revelation earlier this week after watching the Dear Future Wifey podcast, where it featured Derrick Jaxn giving an interview on his past relationship with his ex-wife Da’Naia Jackson. Hearing his transparent account of his poor decision-making and lack of leadership gave me a better understanding of why so many Christians (and young adults in general) are truly not conditioned for marriage and family.
Being a single man who is looking for a wife (like I’m serious… I have literally spent hours at a time scouring profiles on dating apps, I’ve had a matchmaker, I’ve asked friends and family about single women, and I approach women I find attractive everywhere I go), I often engage in conversations with single women who don’t want a committed relationship, don’t want to be married, and don’t want children.
I never imagined I would ever live in a world where my dating options would be so limited to where I had to seriously consider dating married women, or women who don’t want children and/or marriage.
I’m not judging these women for having their own desires/wants/preferences. I honestly want them to be happy. I wished we lived in a world where everyone could have what they wanted. I want to have what I desire.
Nevertheless, what I never truly understood until yesterday was the rationale behind the desire of Christian women who prefer having a life partner instead of a husband (or spouse). For years, it was always puzzling to me why a Christian would choose to ignore their faith and have relationship goals outside of their chosen values.
So, what exactly is a Life Partner?
My most understood type of relationship is husband and wife. I’m honestly not the best boyfriend. But I do understand the legal implications and social dynamics of what it means to be married. I even somewhat understand the differences between a common law marriage and a civil union. I digress.
A life partner is defined as someone who is in a serious, committed relationship with someone else, but they’re not married. Essentially when women express to me that they want a life partner, what I hear is they want a boyfriend in a monogamous relationship… and they do not want to be legally tied to anyone.
So, who is Derrick Jaxn?
Prior to watching this episode, I barely knew anything about Derrick Jaxn or how he became a popular person and everything related to him. I actually thought he was a former NFL player who was a Christian, and he got caught in adultery or divorce or something. Well, I was wrong. So, I had to do my homework.
After doing a little Googling of Derrick Jaxn (as he’s not that famous), I found that essentially he is a young man in his mid-thirties who acquired weath and fame through selling his thoughts and ideas of relationships to black women. He’s an accomplished author who essentially built a social media brand as a young muscular masculine black male self-proclaimed relationship guru.
He has made millions of dollars selling black women the narrative that black women should put their emotions and feelings first; essentially promoting the idea that women are special and they don’t need to be held accountable for their actions in relationships. And, they should desire a man who caters to their feelings.
Currently, he has been and is being criticized as a hypocrite because of how he treated his wife and his promiscuous lifestyle. He committed adultery. He betrayed his followers by being disingenous by not practicing what he preached. He disrespected the Christian community by not being a man of integrity. In addition to all of this, he showed signs of manipulation and narcissism through his social media posts.
I’m not judging Derrick or trying to cast him in a negative light… I’m just stating facts. Let him who is without sin throw the first stone.
So… a few things. After watching the podcast I realized a few things.
- Derrick and Da’Naia truly loved one another – Lack of love was not the reason for their divorce and failed relationship. They had a long relationship history, and they made sacrifices for one another. Derrick and Da’Naia dated off and on for years. They were close friends. They knew each other very well. She knew what type of guy he was and still loved him… or maybe she loved the idea of being with him. Idk. But, I do know she loved him enough to have 3 children with him, despite him being with multiple women.
- They were financially stable and fairly intelligent – A lot of relationships end because of financial instability. I believe both Derrick and Da’Naia are pretty intelligent. I don’t believe Derrick could accomplish what he did if he was ignorant.
- Having children didn’t keep them together – Sometimes people feel that having children will make someone want to stay in a relationship. A marriage with children as the foundation of the relationship will not last.
- What role did their friends and family have in their relationship? – People need a community of trustworthy people to give them wisdom and also create accountability. I believe they lived their life around people, but not with people.
What does a healthy marriage look like to you?
I believe the institution of marriage is crumbling in the black community. The lifestyle of so many people, including Christians, is entangled with envy, financial instability, lust, pride, selfishness, and sexual perversion.
In my opinion, marriage was never intended to be something I did just to be happy. People who want happy experiences generally like going to theme parks or they travel a lot. To me, marriage has always been about serving, sharing love, experiencing conpanionship, and having children.
Although I definitely want my marriage experience to be enjoyable, I honestly haven’t seen too many black Christian couples who were truly “happily married”… so I never directly associated happiness with marriage.
Today, I see so many people who associate marriage with happiness, which I feel is somewhat unrealistic.
“For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self-sacrifice – no paper currency, no promises to pay, but the gold of real service.”
– John Burroughs (American author)
In previous generations, having children was truly considered a gift from God. The more children you had, the weathier you were. As more families prioritized legacy and community over individual goals and aspirations. Now, it’s very common for professional women to not desire children at all (but they will buy a dog).
I believe having a life partner may be similar to a marriage with a prenuptial agreement. I believe it’s wise to protect yourself from someone who you don’t trust. But why be in a relationship with someone who isn’t trustworthy?
So, why would a Christian want a Life Partner?
The reason why so many Christian single people want a life partner... it’s mainly because they do not know what a healthy marriage looks like for them personally because we rarely see people in successful marriages.
Media portrays an unrealistic view of marriage. And when reality finally sets in… some people realize marriage may be something they never truly wanted. Plus, people have more experience and practice with dating, so they feel more comfortable in that type of relationship structure.
People need to see more successful marriages. I believe success in any relationship all comes down to trust, truth, transparency, and agreement.
No marriage is perfect. There will always be problems. You never should ignore them, but you should work through them. And there is growth in overcoming them.
I understand… nobody wants to deal with other people’s problems. I know I’ve had to deal with so many issues in dating: from being careful with women’s emotional triggers, watching my words and not be offensive in how I communicate, dealing with passive aggressive behaviors, and having to explain what honor and respect actually looks like in a committed relationship.
I’m really working at keeping hope alive.
***Just for your information if you want Da’Naia Jackson’s side of the story – click here.
Interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing!