Having discernment when creating new relationships can be more of trial and error, than having a rule of thumb. For me, as I become more mature in life, the clearer I understand what it is I’m looking for in a relationship. Every person in your life plays a role (or multiple roles). So when you meet someone, you should be more concerned with WHY they are interested in you (what role are they looking to fulfill), more so than their thoughts on how attractive you are.
What position are you looking to fill in your life? Are you looking for a close friend, someone to just date, someone to marry, someone to socialize with, a mentor, someone to inspire you, someone to flirt with, a weekend hook-up… I feel there are more available opportunities for relationships than most would think. However, there are so many selfish/unreliable/non-loyal people out there; and just like jobs, relationships are out there it’s just that there aren’t a lot of qualified candidates to fill those available opportunities.
There are few things I despise more than going through the process of applying to jobs, submitting resumes and going on interviews. Yet each time we meet new people we are in a sense interviewing them; and we place them into a group based upon who they are and what they have to offer. Right now in my life, though I want to date someone and I desire that intimate affection, though I honestly don’t have the time/energy it takes to test out every opportunity I come across. I am looking more so to build upon my current relationships, but I’m always open to meeting new people. You know when I initially meet someone I don’t know exactly what they want from me, or what they have to offer me. All I can do is give them an opportunity to get to know me, and hopefully they will open their heart to me as well.
I eventually want to be married. But, I really don’t know how that will look… I think that the best marriages occur when husband and wife are best friends and are attracted to each other. They are friends and lovers. I definitely don’t want to live my life with someone who isn’t my closest friend, or someone who I don’t find attractive. The best relationships take time to develop. Like a luscious fruit that takes time to develop from the soil of loyalty, quality time, love, and sacrifice. Also, I find that many people have trouble with being transparent and opening their heart–if you truly desire a close relationship, know that the closest people to you will have the best view of all your imperfections. So take off your veil and show yourself to them. If they really love you, they will look past your imperfections.
Whether you are looking for a friend or someone to love, the relationship you have with that person will ultimately be determined by what you have to offer them and what they want from you. Recently in my life, I saw a young woman at church…I was attracted to her, and interested in her; but I soon realized after a few weeks of hanging out and talking with her that she couldn’t offer me what I wanted from her. When I first met her I thought she would be a great friend and maybe there was something there. And she is a great person, but this is a great example that you can meet the right person at the wrong time. She could only give me what she had to offer. As I would never ask a homeless person for money, so it is also wise to not pursue relationships with people who can’t offer what you need.
June 16, 2014 at 3:54 am
May I recommend the book entitled “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard Hartley, Jr. It is one of the most insightful that I have read and used in my personal life and as a minister counseling. The author is a psychologist and a Christian.
June 16, 2014 at 7:59 am
Yeah. I think that’s a good book. But I think it’s more so directed towards husbands and wives; and I’m not married. If you know of a good book that’s directed more so towards single young adults, please recommend.
July 8, 2014 at 10:11 am
I recommend “5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. I don’t consider it specific for married or single folks. This one helps with interpersonal relationships in general and also helps the individual to focus on the other person’s needs in a relationship. Actually, I think Hartley’s book helps remove some wrong expectations and general misconceptions about marriage, so that people can choose a mate. I really like your comment above that you can’t expect a homeless person to give you money. That is so true.
July 8, 2014 at 4:08 pm
Thanks Mrs. Theresa! I have read that book… it was a good read.