In my generation, I find so many single adults in their 30s to 50s who are emotionally intelligent and do not need therapy, as they understand exactly why they are single (even though they may not be transparent enough to acknowledge it in truth). But, deep inside their heart they know the truth. The interesting part is… I find that many single adults don’t make themselves available nor put themselves in positions to be in healthy relationships.

Regardless of what many singles say about the perils of dating, most single adults who are financially stable are not desperate. They choose to be single. They don’t place a high value on commitment, but they value their power to choose the type of relationships they want… and when they want it.

So what do I mean when I say someone chooses to be single? I’m saying this type of person chooses NOT to invest the necessary energy required to pursue or accept a new relationship. Or they choose to live a selfish lifestyle that shows they are NOT concerned about how their future spouse may feel about them.

As a single man who is confident and financially stable, I can honestly say that I’m not desperate. However, I do desire marriage and I value family. I actively pursue women I’m attracted to, as I approach women I’m interested in. My actions and my words show that I desire marriage. So, I’m NOT choosing to be single, I’m simply NOT choosing relationships with women I’m not compatible with.

What Makes Dating Difficult for Me?

I would say first and foremost… the concept of dating can be confusing. I personally don’t believe dating is biblical or has any defined rules to adhere to. Literally every woman I’ve met has had a different idea of what dating is and looks like. So, it’s very difficult to navigate how to achieve the best dating outcomes when in my heart I truly believe it shouldn’t exist as the primary entryway to marriage.

History tells us that dating as a word didn’t exist in the English language until the early 1900s. I personally feel I’ve never successfully dated a woman. Every person has different rules for different people based upon their experiences.

Some women say, men who lead with their faith is a red flag… while others praise it. Some women say, if a man is fine, funny, has good sex, and rich… then nothing else matters. Some men only date women who they are sexually attracted to. Some men don’t want to pay for dinner on a first date.

Then, if I ask a woman what she wants, oftentimes she doesn’t want to be transparent and simply tell me. Because, in her heart she fears that if she tells me what she wants, then I will have the ability to manipulate her. So, how can she want transparency, but doesn’t want to offer it? To me… that’s a lot.

The most difficult aspects about dating for people like myself are generally:

• Meeting Quality People – It’s so difficult to find quality women who I genuinely respect and am attracted to. As many women who desire marriage who are my age are already married with families.
• Time & Energy – Creating a new relationship requires you to invest time and energy. Being intentional about making yourself available to have a meaningful conversation. It’s difficult to adapting to someone else’s communication style. Some women only want to text… others only want to talk. Some people don’t respond and are always busy, while others constantly want interaction through social media, text, and phone calls… yet are never available to meet.
• Understanding Compatibility – It can be very difficult to understanding what compatibility looks like, because not all red flags are created equal. A man can be celibate, yet has issues with lust and perversion. A woman can have a good job, but doesn’t manage her time and money well. Knowing when to give grace and when to end a relationship requires discernment.

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More Single Adults Do Not Want A Traditional Committed Relationship.

A few days ago, I saw a post on Instagram where a pregnant woman was in a relationship with two men… and supposedly, all three were celebrating the birth of their child. Obviously, this is weird. It is very unusual for a woman to have a public relationship with multiple men. Her post seemed to be almost an act of defiance or rebellion against traditional relationships.

I understand people are free to live whatever lifestyle they choose and practice all sorts of things, including polyamory. However, it’s very rare I see it practiced or even discussed openly. I first heard about polyamorous relationships maybe 5 years ago when Willow Smith talked about it publicly on her mother’s Red Table Talk podcast.

In my opinion, I feel the reason why polyamory is trending, abortions are rising, and Christians are choosing to be single is a direct result of more people choosing to rebel against the institute of marriage and the idea of a traditional family.

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There is a famous quote by Arnold Schwarzenegger, “Don’t be afraid of failing. Because there is nothing wrong with failing. You have to fail in order to climb that ladder.”

I think about his quote in this manner when I think of dating… you can’t be afraid of being rejected or having a failed relationship. Being rejected by someone doesn’t invalidate you as a child of God. When you do face rejection or failure in a relationship (because everyone has been rejected or failed), learn from it and make better choices.

Everyone has an opinion about today’s dating culture. Be careful who you listen to, as you don’t want to allow someone else’s trauma or fears to negatively affect you… and what you want for your life.

I was recently on a podcast called Saved and Single. One of the things I love to do is listen to Christian adults share their honest thoughts and opinions on dating and relationships. So, maybe a few weeks ago I found myself listening to an episode by the podcast on YouTube as I was doing some work. I thought the conversation was interesting and the podcast host (Jasmine Mays – a notable fitness and nutritional coach) encouraged listeners to reach out to her… so I did.

My intention of going on the podcast was to have a transparent adult conversation on dating, so I could share my thoughts from the perspective of a Christian black man who is a divorced single parent. After watching it… I think it went well. I hope anyone who reads this blog watches it and lets me know what they think.