Close Enough to Touch, Too Slippery to Grasp

At the end of last year, I remember when a person really close to me called to invite me to their graduation. I remember thinking to myself, NOT along the line of thought, ‘Great! I’m so happy for you. I’ll be there.’ It was because they told me about their graduation and the invite, on the day of, with only 4 hours notice. My thoughts were more of , ‘Man. I cannot believe that they didn’t tell me they were graduating until now, or even about to graduate this year, until now.’

In another situation, I remember years ago when my best friend in high school was getting married, and he didn’t even think to invite me to his wedding. And never brought it up, when we spoke. And, at the time we saw each other every Sunday and I still maintained a close relationship to his family. Today, I would be lying to myself if I even referred to him as a friend.

Yesterday was Father’s Day… I had to work most of the day, but during the day I rarely gave any thought to my father, and I didn’t really want to call him when I got home. Though I did think of other men who are father figures in my life, because they were the ones that helped me a lot by just being a good male role model, so that I could have someone to model myself after. You know, I didn’t understand this as a younger man, but it is very hard to find good positive male role models these days. I for one don’t see any Bill Cosby’s or …(is there anyone else besides him) on TV. I don’t think there are hardly any men who have family values and illustrate a character that demands respect on TV…but, honestly I don’t really watch enough TV to know what shows are on.

Back to Father’s Day. I did at least call my father, and recognize him on Father’s Day to let him know I cared about him. But, the phone call conversation between he and I brought me back to my initial feelings, and made me realize why I didn’t want to call him in the first place. As my words of care reached his ears, out of his mouth flowed words of resentment and displeasure about my brother and our family.

Life experiences like these make me want to question myself about how I define my relationships…What is a friend? Who are my friends, and who are my associates? What should I expect out of a friend? Are my expectations for people too high?

If one of the closest people to me, didn’t feel the need to express to me something as important as celebrating their accomplishment of obtaining a college degree until the day of…and, another seemingly close friend, at the time, didn’t think about me when he was getting married… and, my very own father doesn’t value my feelings. It just makes me think, and question my true relationship with them. As well as, how they even view their relationship with me. I might be a friend to someone who doesn’t consider me as a friend. Or, I just might be a friend to someone who doesn’t know how to value relationships.

~Those who you LOVE the most, have the ability to HURT you the most~

I’m tired of being the one who gets the shorter end of the stick in life. I’m tired of saying ‘I’m sorry’ to people, when I’m not sorry. I’m tired of having to be the considerate wiser peacemaker all the time. I’m tired of pouring myself out to people who seemingly, don’t care. I’m tired of listening to words of appreciation, yet seeing actions of indifference. Even today… I’m tired from working out at the gym :-).

How close are you to your closest friend/family member/spouse?  Yes, they are there around you, but do you really know them? Sometimes I get the feeling that I’m sitting next to strangers whenever I’m around people I think I know…whether I’m at church, and even in my own home.

5 thoughts on “Close Enough to Touch, Too Slippery to Grasp

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  1. Your post made me think of this quote. It doesn’t answer your question but it gives us something to think about…

    “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
    ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

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    1. I love C.S. Lewis! I needed that quote. Thank you for your reply.
      My thoughts on friendship is evolving, as well as my thoughts about what I want out of life. I have always and still believe that life is the best teacher.

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  2. I’ve recently just graduated college and it seems that everyone is going their own way. Now that we are no longer in close proximity with each other, the lines of communication have definitely weakened. I find myself always reaching out to find out what my friends are up to and how they’re doing. This makes me wonder what would happen if it weren’t always me reaching out. I suppose it’s a question to which I already know the answer.

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    1. Everyone changes over time.. it’s natural. I feel some people want to always stay connected with old friendships, while others just don’t… Overall, I feel if people want a relationship with you, they’ll at least reciprocate the energy you place into them.

      But, in my experiences with that… this is probably what will happen — you will start getting tired of always reaching out.. and even when you do reach out, the conversations won’t be the same. And, that will ultimately lead to a change in the relationship status between them — like, they may go from being a close friend, to just a cordial associate.

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