I have many thoughts in my mind right now… however, most of them I choose to not disclose publicly.  Everyone knows this old proverb, Matt. 7:6 NASB ” Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces”… I can’t take what’s most valuable to me and give it to someone who considers the feelings I hold dear, as trash.  Even though I’m an open, transparent person, I do have enough wisdom to know what to say, when to say it, and how to express it; so, criticism is minimal, clarity of thought is maintained, and I can get my point of view across in truth.

I wonder does anyone else besides me have the feeling, that their greatest strengths as a person, are also their greatest weaknesses?

I feel I have a gift from God, that allows me to be able to be accepted and have relationships with a variety of people, all from different backgrounds.  To have the social skills, as well as wisdom to hold a meaningful conversation with a variety of people.  This gift gives me the freedom to have meaningful relationships with all sorts of people, from the local wine-o to collegiate professors, from local city thugs to upper-class business executives.  So, I’m not limited by any boundaries or labels, when choosing relationships.

It may seem to be a great gift, one may think.  To have the ability to be accepted by any group or community… it seems like a blessing.  But, it is also a curse, because I feel that my identity loses it’s depth as the differences in my closest friendships grow.  Be it they differ in personalities, hobbies of choice, social status, economic status, or whatever.  The more my friendships vary, the more my identity loses its depth (in how others see me).  I feel that people I’ve known for years still see me not as a real person, but as an accessory figure disunited and void.

I don’t remember the last time someone came to my house, with the intention to spend time with me, outside of my immediate family.  Everyone is into doing their own thing.  Maybe I’m the one at fault for desiring real relationships (trusting friendships).  Last week, in an attempt to be social, I initiated a conversation with a girl at school, and she told me (paraphrase) that my relationship with her was meaningless.  I just wanted to be friendly, I never asked her for anything but what anyone else could ask, mere cordiality.  I thought to myself, this is a person who I regularly speak to in the library, and I’ve volunteered myself to help her on occasion.  When she said that, it made me feel as if I was a pearl, and I was giving myself to a swine.

I’m tired of forcing myself into creating relationships… sometimes it seems that people can make things so hard, which makes me feel as an uninvited guest in their lives.  And, if all a person has for me is a handshake and a smile, I might as well kick it by myself and with my dog.  Yet, having close meaningful relationships, having meaningful conversations, and being engaged in social interactions with others is so fulfilling to me.  I guess sometimes the things you love the most, are the hardest to obtain.