For the last few years I’ve been listening to dating podcasts, I often hear women describe men in their previous dating relationships as being narcissistic or egotistical. Although I’m not too familiar with calling anyone narcissistic or egotistical, I recently was in a relationship with a woman who I believe embodied narcissistic behavior. Which is why I needed to learn more about it.

Narcissist – a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. Someone who is extremely self-involved to the degree that it makes them ignore the needs of those around them.

Since I didn’t grow up using this term, nor have I heard this term used frequently when describing women, I still do not casually call anyone a narcissist. But, I believe I need to start… because of the growing number of people with undiagnosed personality disorders.

I want to shed light on how common it is that I meet people who have some sort of mental health issue. In the past few years, I’ve been dating with intentionality. I have literally engaged with a plethora of single women who need therapy. Simply because they only respect a therapist enough to help them self-reflect and recognize their own issues.

If you are the type of person who has trouble receiving criticism or having vulnerable conversations with friends… then you definitely need therapy.

Even though I should not have to mention this… I want to say this post is NOT about casting women in a negative light. I write this only to share my own experiences and shed light on the normalcy of toxic behaviors in today’s dating environment with clarity and truth.

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My Dating Story

I recently met a woman on a dating app. We probably talked for a few days prior to meeting in person. After our first date, I honestly was smitten with attraction for her. Then, after a few dates and intense conversations, I honestly thought this woman could potentially be my future wife. I even told my friends and family about her and our mutual attraction towards each other.

It was too good to be true. We both played basketball. We both have family in Louisiana. We were both tall and athletic. We gave each other gifts. She was loving and kind to my son. She cooked for me. I cooked for her. We were transparent with one another. She said she was a Christian.

Then suddenly, after one conversation which ultimately ended in both of us feeling disrespected… I immediately felt in my heart that our short relationship had come to an abrupt end. As I knew in my heart that she was too prideful to ever apologize for disrespecting me. And, I could never be in a relationship with a woman who disrespects me without remorse.

It’s never a good feeling when you have a disagreement with someone you love or care about. Especially if you feel that person could potentially be your spouse. Nevertheless, three things became very clear almost immediately after our last conversation.

1. Our values were more different than alike – Even though she attested to be a Christian, the more I got to know her I realized our beliefs and values were sharply divided.
2. I was so happy we never had sex – Although I was very attracted to her, we vowed not to have sex in the very beginning. And, since we didn’t have sex, I didn’t have an emotional attachment towards her. So, I wasn’t overly emotional during our last conversation, nor did I feel attached to her after it was over.
3. I was going to have to reinstall a dating app on my smartphone – Oh my goodness. 🙂 I so disdain being on dating apps and texting back and forth. I thought I could at least be in a relationship for a few months.

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The conversation ended with her giving me a lecture and then hanging up without allowing me to respond. Yes, I felt disrespected. Nevertheless, I sent her a text message before I went to sleep, so to offer an apology if she felt I offended and/or disrespected. As the Bible says in Ephesians 4:26-27 “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.”

I wake up the next morning… no response. I wait a day for her to cool down and respond… no response. I call two days later… no answer.

She Ghosted Me

I learned something from this short relationship. This relationship was a life lesson. It taught me to take things slow. And, it taught me that “ghosting” is a form of narcissism. So, I started to read up on it.

One article I read stated, “…it’s common for narcissists to engage in a pattern of love bombing, showering someone with affection and attention, followed by ghosting—a sudden and deliberate withdrawal. This manipulative cycle serves their need for control and emotional manipulation, leaving the other person confused and emotionally vulnerable.”

“Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.”

Narcissistic personality disorder. In: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders DSM-5-TR. 5th ed. American Psychiatric Association; 2022. https://dsm.psychiatryonline.org. Accessed Sept. 9, 2022.

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I’ve been ghosted before. This wasn’t my first time. However, it was the first time I truly thought about the level of ambivalence and indifference it takes for someone to ghost another person. Is it not selfish for someone to ask for love and respect if they don’t offer it?

In my opinion, a person who ghosts or ignores someone (especially someone who they have a relationship with) may in fact be the greatest act of disrespect. Why is it so difficult to simply tell someone, “I don’t think we’re compatible. I don’t want to date you. I wish you the best.”

All in all… I just don’t have the words to accurately describe the last few dating experiences I’ve had with women who initially presented themselves as Christians who wanted to be married. My last relationship is just another example of how selective I have to be in today’s dating environment.

You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. So every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire. Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.
–Matthew 16-20 NLT