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A Friend With Benefits

What does a friend with benefits mean to you? It probably means something different to me. I would say when most women think of a friend with benefits, they think of a woman who allows a man to have casual sex with her without being in an exclusive dating relationship. So, “friends with benefits” is essentially a type of relationship with no preset titles and no real expectations from each party.

Both men and women are naturally inclined to develop emotional attachments after being intimate and having sex. I feel many women do not express their sexual desires openly, because they don’t want to be seen as a whore. Nevertheless, although I feel most people desire sex, most people generally do not desire to engage in casual sex because they value their feelings; as no one wants to feel used or emotionally attached to someone who doesn’t value them.

As of late, I am dating with intention. I want a woman who is compatible with me and we both feel that loving feeling when we are around each other. However, I am realizing many single women who are looking to date do not have the same desire for marriage as I do.

I feel many attractive single women may say they want a long-term relationship, but their actions show they just want a best friend who they can also have sex with on occasion, or a friend with benefits.

All these women want is a life partner, a friend, a companion. Regardless if they acknowledge it or not. As I can not understand how they could want a husband, yet still have anxiety or negative thoughts when a man mentions anything about marriage, being a wife, or if they are open to being a mother and having children.


The simple truth is many women fear being a wife. They love the idea of marriage. However, because of emotional damage from previous relationships, personal career goals, and lifestyle preferences, they fear sacrifice and the unspoken expectation a man has for his wife to be submissive.

I see so many people living their daily lives as if they are in a reality television show. Today the average 20-30 year old woman is willing to sell her most valuable assets, which are her body, her time and attention to social media. What does she receive in return? Temporal praise in the form of “likes” on social media from people she has never met. And, if she’s lucky she may receive a little money on a random virtual platform for dancing in front of a camera.

The older generation is not too much different. I see so many attractive 30-40 year old single women posting sexual revealing pictures. And almost every one of them loves to travel and is some type of relationship expert. I know single women who have published books on relationships, yet have little to no experience in a healthy relationship with a man. More single people need to take accountability of their own poor choices and unrealistic expectations regarding their dating experiences, and not blame others. I definitely acknowledge my poor decisions.


I will honestly say during the majority of my adult life I was a “simp”. For those who don’t know what a simp is… a simp is a slang derogatory word for man who is overly submissive to a woman and gains nothing from it.

Growing up, almost every woman I knew hated it if a man treated her like a sex object. So, being a momma’s boy, I wanted to be the perfect guy. So, I tried my best to respect the women I was attracted to, and I wasn’t always forthright with my feelings. Yet I bought women gifts, sacrificed my time and energy; inwardly thinking the more I did for them, the more they would like me. Boy was I was ignorant.

My behavior oftentimes placed me in the “friend zone” with women I pursued. It is one of the reasons why I had trouble developing romantic relationships until my late 20s. As a young man I had no clue what women wanted from a man, or from me. Plus I was not confident in myself. I didn’t know why I wasn’t considered a romantic interest by women I was attracted to.

Nothing a man can do for a woman will cause her to love and respect him. Genuine heartfelt love and respect are gifts, and they cannot be bought.

A respectable man can never be a people pleaser. A respectable man has to have enough confidence within himself to disappoint the people he loves. He has to hold his values and desires higher than the thoughts and opinions of others.

I don’t want to be a friend with benefits.

I don’t want to be the single guy who goes on dates every weekend and has a lot of girlfriends. I don’t want to settle. I want to be the happily married guy with a family.

svg6 min read

Jason Perry

I'm a black man with Christian values. A father to my son, a friend to those who desire my friendship, a lover of life and even more...

3 Comments

  • New Media Works

    September 29, 2022 at 12:49 am

    Hi Jason 🙂

    I am intrigued by this sentence: “no one wants to feel used or emotionally attached to someone who doesn’t value them”.

    Everyone ascribes values to everything — the question is: *which* value? It might not be simply “high” or “low”, it may be different values for different aspects.

    For example: there is this thing called “Maslow’s” pyramid. We all need to eat. But people do not generally think about food 24/7/365. Healthy people generally have healthy priorities, and different people also eat different foods, value food differently and so on.

    So in that sense I also wonder: *which* value / values do YOU mean?

    🙂 Norbert

    Reply
    • Jason

      September 29, 2022 at 8:48 am

      Good question Norbert! And, thanks for reading. I believe we all ascribe a set value for each person in our lives, whether we acknowledge it or not. To elaborate on my true meaning of the word “value” in the sentence you referenced… you can replace “value” with “hold them in high regard” or “view them as special”.
      When I think of things I value, I think of the things which I hold in higher regard than others. As I do value everything in my life, but I don’t have high regard for everything.
      I do not want to date anyone where I do not feel like they value me, or better yet, think I’m special. If a women I’m dating thinks of me and treats me the same as the guy sitting next to me… then where is my return on investment? That’s just me. I want to feel special. And, I believe women also desire to feel special or feel valued by men in dating relationships.

      Reply

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This is my journal, my journey, and my perspective in life – JP



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