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I’m Not Happy

I know that I should be positive, grateful, and hopeful for my future. I should be smiling with joyful gladness about all that God has blessed me with. I probably should be dancing and shouting words of appreciation knowing that it is only through prayers and God’s grace that I am even alive, knowing all that I have been through in life just regarding my health issues. But… there is always a but. But… right now, as I sit on my couch in my apartment, I’m not even close to being happy. I’m not even positive about life. I’m just tired.

Sunday is literally my favorite day of the week. Sunday is a day where I can take time to rest my mind and my body. Most Sundays I try to be free from any burdens that I have during the week. Plus I get to go to church and hear some encouraging words and see some of my friends. And just seeing my friends is a big deal, as all of my friends have careers and are married with small children of their own, so it’s almost impossible to see them during the week. This morning I woke up feeling like I was going to have a bad day.

I didn’t want to have a bad day today… but it is what it is. So, being the introspective type of guy that I am, I have to ask myself some questions… Am I causing my own unhappiness? Are my decisions causing me to be unhappy? Can I make myself happy? What can I do in order to find my smile? What actually makes someone happy?

For some people, making more money makes them smile. There are also people who need to be around people they love to feel happiness. I’ve seen some people who are only happy when they are getting what they want. Other people find their happiness in accomplishing or creating things, or in activities like shopping, fishing, hunting, or working out.

I find happiness or joy in a lot of various things. It makes me feel good whenever I get a chance to workout. I enjoy spending quality time around people who are loving and encouraging. I even love when I can be silly and joke around with friends.

I don’t have anything else to say… Today just isn’t a good day.

Sometimes I think death is better than life. Not that I think of suicide… but when you’ve taken your last breath and enter the pearly gates, you have no pain, no worries, no burdens, no expectations, no fears, no depression, no hunger, no bills, no convictions, no one to impress… all you feel is love. I dream of feeling loved.

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