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Heart Sick

Life is crazy! We can wash our face, pretend to smile, and put on a show so that everything appears to be fine and dandy. Then we walk by friends who cordially ask “How are you?”, and if we feel good enough to answer it’s usually with a quick superficial response of, “I’m great! How are you?”. And just as the quick response was given without giving thought to your true feelings, they probably will respond to your question in a similar way of indifference by ignoring your question altogether as they walk off.

Recently I’ve noticed something different with my feelings. For the last week I’ve been wanting to listen to love songs and R&B more than usual… and I think I know why. I may be Heart Sick. It’s been awhile since I’ve heard a woman’s voice whispering in my ear or felt her smooth touch on my skin. I feel like I need to hear words that express love, lyrics that make me feel loved, that help me to believe in love. It was my ex-girlfriend’s birthday yesterday. I sent her a text and she didn’t even respond. I suppose love songs are my prescription for being heart sick.

On the outside I probably appear to be a healthy happy guy. Smiling as I interact with friends, I always keep my physical appearance up and make myself presentable, and I constantly look to engage in positive meaningful transparent conversations with friends. But, on the inside sometimes I deal with depression, I have to take pills that slow down my brain because I have epilepsy, and many of my desires have gone unmet. Nevertheless, I am blessed. Honestly I have to give God all the glory for my outside appearance. For the joy in my heart and smile on my face, my positive outlook on life, my friends and family, my opportunities, and my pursuit of excellence in most things I do.

I suppose I’m just tired of getting by and living this life alone. Tonight I had an epiphany. Early today a friend I work with told me that she got married in Vegas without a wedding. She was living with a guy for a while… they loved each other and they got married 20 years ago, and they are still married. Now I know people who would not approve of that. But most of the people who wouldn’t approve of it are divorced and unhappy. Why is it that those who have the most problems seem to have all the answers? Anyway, what her life story tells me is that there is no formula to finding real love… it just happens and you know it when you feel it. You know I used to say that I was going to marry a black woman, but now I feel like I need to open up my heart to any woman who has a heart for me. I won’t allow real love to pass me by.

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